The idea for this particular website came to me in 2009.
Years later it is officially up. Why did this take so long? This is a blogsite, not a skyscraper!
I read tales of people actualizing their dreams and expanding them to places beyond their imagination. Growing, expanding, improving — manifesting at high levels. Executive levels. Manifesting on global levels. And I couldn’t even get a blogsite going. And what made it really comical was that I was a web developer, so the technical stuff was in the bag.
I considered myself a good little manifestor. In the past I was able to make a lot of my dreams come true. For instance, within a month of deciding that I wanted to live in New York City a friend offered me a rent control apartment sublet in Chelsea. Unbelievable!
I manifested attending excellent art schools; the traveling I wanted to experience; I mastered painting; I realized the dream of being in a rock band; I manifested investment capital for the start-up company I co-founded. All of this stuff happened quickly once I decided what I wanted.
I’m not saying it was always easy. I persevered and worked throughout these adventures, and life definitely threw me some curveballs. But since I’d already had these amazing things materialize in my life—which I was extremely grateful for—when this website idea came to me I thought, “No problem. I’ll get this thing happening in a few weeks.” That was in 2009. What happened?
It felt as if the Universe was somehow blocking me. Stopping me. Or was it me that was doing the blocking and stopping? Was this the work of fear and resistance within me? Was this website idea so important to me that I was preventing myself from manifesting it? What was going on here?
This weirdness went on for years. It was weird because I just couldn’t figure it out. I spent countless hours working on, designing, and thinking about a website that didn’t exist. That’s weird for a person like me. I generally get stuff done.
In January 2014, I was watering my plants when I had a sudden, rather painful insight. If I didn’t want 2014 to look just like 2013, then I needed to do something drastic. The website idea was no longer an idea—it was my obsession. It was a calling. It was my purpose. It had become very, very important to me and yet… it still did not exist on the internet. It was all in my head. It was getting more unmanifested every day.
So I made some changes. I changed my lifestyle so I could devote myself entirely to realizing my dream. But the project still did not get off the ground, and I was feeling discouraged. Much of the discouragement was around this bizarre sense of being blocked. I still couldn’t put my finger on it and yet there I was creating materials to help people manifest when my own life was not demonstrating much of that at all.
My inner critic was having the greatest time—at my expense.
This went on for a while. Until I noticed something about my creative visualization material… all the guided meditations, PowerPoint vision boards, and affirmations were focused on getting into action and pulling in the Law of Attraction but they missed an underlying issue – my massive resistance to releasing, shipping, and sharing the years of posts and products I created.
I had a very powerful protection policy on the content itself. This policy was tied to beliefs that were embedded in me back when “The Brady Bunch” first appeared on television. I was carrying around a giant scary monster that said “I did not matter” in such a way that I couldn’t hear it yet I lived by those hurtful words everyday.
Manifestation, as it turns out, can be a three-step process. The first step is to attract circumstances and resources to actualize your dream. The second step involves action to actualize and form the dream into physical reality. If that doesn’t work then you might have to add a third step to find an antidote to an old demon living inside you that says “what you desire will never be available to you because you are not enough” or something to that effect.
This was the ingredient that was missing in me and prevented me from sharing my beloved materials to the world. And it was the ingredient I needed in order to make what I share with the world much more valuable. All that resides within this html comes from a truly authentic place within me and since I found value in that I think you will find value in it too.
Welcome to my journey and my website and my newly found self-worth.